How Stupid Can I Be ...

Well, kind of want to get these thoughts down before i forget them, which i hope i never do. I just finished reading another chapter in the book "Living Water". It amazes me how much i learn in that book that i feel i should already know, it is like a slap in the face or a wake up call.

The Title of this chapter says it all "The Person God Uses". I always thought i knew what that meant. I thought i was such a person. Looking back in my life i was. but things changed or i should say I changed away from that and so my life has be come dessert to God and to sharing the Gospel.
while view back on my life, i feel this change in me happen was in College, which i am sure most people would gasp at the thought, sense my College was a Bible college, where u learn to do ministry. Which that statement there clear shows how wrong that is. Ministry is never learned in college and a stupid piece of paper, is just that, a piece of paper.

"..... I have come to see there is a serious misunderstanding among many Christians around the world when it comes to being a worker in God's kingdom. In the West, especially, the Gospel has been intellectualized to such an extent that there is almost no mention of true faith and trust in Jesus anymore. academic qualifications and speaking ability are held in high regard, while spiritual maturity, character and the call of the Holy Spirit have been relegated in importance and largely consigned to being irrelevant when it comes to God's work."

I feel this is so true. When I knew I was called from God to go into youth pastor, my brain went "time to find a bible College and start learning, so I have every right to be in that position". Don't get me wrong, An education is good and is need at times, but it is not the end all. I know i was more focus and more driven to work with youth back before i went to college then when i left college. I think all it did for me was make me more analytical and critical then more Spiritual. This really showed up when i start helping my home church again after moving back to Ohio. i was always looking my down my nose of education at the youth pastor of that church, saying he was running this wrong or that was done wrong, because i thought i had all the correct answers. now it has been 5 years sense i graduated college and all i can show right now is a piece of paper with ink on it.

Another point i got from this chapter i read was about strength.

"If men can do God's work in their own strength, then it is not God's work at all. The Lord Jesus calls people who realize they cannot function at all apart from His grace and empowerment. Such an attitude results in complete dependence on God, and this is good in His sight. If we can accomplish tasks without God, the He will not get the glory. People will look at what we have done and give us the credit. But if we do something that is completely impossible apart from God's supernatural intervention, people have no choice but to give glory to God."

I have always wanted people to see me for the works i have done for God. but looking back at this, it does not show up in my life until i got out of schooling and was focused on me and my education. And so i know that is why God never got me set into a youth pastoral position in a church. Which the result of it all seems to lead me into the land of bitterness and hurt. So as a stupid human and child, i have turned my back on church and everything i believed in, which broke down my convictions on moral ground. And my life is a big Painting of the result of it all.

I regret tons of things sense i have turn my back on God. I am so Thankful being a Christian that I do have God pulling on me even when things seem so dark and hard for me. I have always has the little whisper in my ear saying "(God) I loves you, and come back to me". I feel I am finally starting to get back on track and heading toward God again, even though I been dented, battered and broken. I feel it is going to be a long journey for me to get back to where i need to be, which was how i was before, college, where everything i did was for God and God alone.

one last point i saw in the book i been reading , is how i think i also fell from God like i have.

"The way of the world is always to look at human credentials as the prerequisite for success. We look for the strongest, most attractive, most educated, thinking that God's work can be accomplished through human effort.
God, however, clearly uses a different set of scales when he weighs a person. He looks at the character and heart of each individual."

I feel into trying to fit into this ideal view of how i should look as being a Christian that will take a spot in a church as a youth pastor. Boy was i so wrong. As i was going for interviews at churches i kept trying to show this educated person that i thought i was, that knew all the answers and would be perfect addition to the church. but as i was looking at myself like that. i also saw in churches that they look for there human credentials as well in their leaders, and so they also fall into the trap of someones strength and speech. Which added to all my anger to Church and to God himself. I been so wrong with my attitude.

I need to be looking at myself more closely and trying set my scale to God's scale of a person. Which is a hard and only be accomplished by God's hand and will. Therefore, i need to be seeking God every hour, every min, every sec, of every day of the week, which connecting to people that live by God and His will.

job or no job, that is the question. I wont know for a while. i still have my over the phone interview tonight, and i hope it goes well.

What is the point in it all. i try so hard to get myself out of stumped mistakes i have made in my life, and all i get is dumped on. i am just so sick of it. where is the point?
Do i have nothing to offer to anyone? Am i here just to take up space and that is it. i am just so frustrated with everything.
maybe my life is so much a mess that it cant be fixed anymore. i just give up!

Shoplifters

It gets me so mad, when people shoplift, or well try to. the one that got stopped tonight at work, only was taking one small thing that was almost nothing. but the problem with them is that they are always lifting something, or trying, and they have gotten a way with some big stuff, which still amazes me. It is a mother, i wish social would take the kids away from the woman, because i know she is having them help lift stuff. it just makes me mad, that people would do that dumb stuff for things. I know deep down it is because of their sinful nature like everyone has, but that is no excuse.
i don't have much else to say about it but it just ticks me off so bad.

Well not much has been happening this weekend, but it has been a good weekend. I got hang with a friend of mine sunday for a while. it has been forever. I am so glad i am reconnecting with friends i have not seen for a while

Well i was reading my book "living water" by Bother Yun. I was reading chapter 5 "the Pregnancy of the Holy Spirit". kind of hit home to me. I felt like i had i have to write my thoughts down , and that is why i have this blog going.

This is the bit that hit home to me.

The world does not need any more religion! It needs Jesus Christ. Religion is people's attempt to do God's work in their own strength. Jesus wants us to live and walk in God's strength.
God is only interested in His work, not our work. He oversees and empowers those things that originate in His heart. On judgment day, only that which wad birthed and sustained by the Holy Spirit will survive. Paul told the church in Corinth:
Now if any man builds upon the foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, each man's work will become evident; for the day will show it, because it is the be revealed with fire; and the fire itself will test the quality of each man's work. If any man's work which he has built upon it remains, he shall receive a reward. If any man;s work is burned up, he shall suffer loss; but he himself shall be saved, yet so as through fire.
(1 Corinthians 3:12-15)
Trying to live the christian life in your own strength and by your own efforts is a very frustrating and futile experience. We need to ask God to humble us and to make us realize He is in charge. our role is simply to hear his voice, to give our lives unreservedly so that we may become pregnant by the Holy Spirit and to obey His command to reach this sick and hurting world.

This got me really thinking about i how i been so frustrated i have been and now i am now a little. I think that is why i wondered so far from Him and his peace, all because i was to focused on what i can do and what i can offer to the people and groups i was involved in. and so all i started to see was the hypocrisy, which is there, and i start to be critical on them, and i still fall into it. As i try to re seek out God and my life with Him, i need to give that up and sacrifice it to Him. Which boils down to it, STOP DOING EVERYTHING ON MY OWN STRENGTH!!!

So it is going to take me each day to give up what i am doing and just let God lead the way in all areas of my life. which may need me to consistently remind myself of this every moment of the day.

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On a different note, in a way.

I went for an interview for a different position at work, and i hope i get it. It is a full time, but it will have me traveling 4 days, or well nights of the week, but it will give me the freedom of the weekends. pay does not sound as much different as what i am getting now but, it will be full time and not this dumb 16 hours a week stuff. The just will also have other perks and benefits, including insurance, which is something i SO need. i don't know when the last time i had any health insurance.
All i ask is that to pray and seek to find out if this is the Lords will for my life at this moment. i know with the weekends free, i know i can start working Sunday morning church back into my life like i use to have it, and maybe help with the teens again. that is one thing i do miss a lot. Spending all that time with the teens and give them help and encouragement for their lives, like i use to.

Well today sure has been a blessing From God, even though i never asked for it. i just really feel like he is with me again, and knows that i am heading back to his side. I don't know what He has for me in my life anymore. I highly doubt i will ever step up to be a Youth Pastor, like i though he was leading me too, and why i went to college for but i am sure he had a plan for me to go and to learn what i have.

I think what my Hugh struggle i have most in my life with God is giving up control of my life to him. I think i so strong willed i don't want to let go of the ranes and just let him drive, And thinking about all that has happened to me in the past years sense college has been a result of my actions. I am so Glad God is so forgiving and is there for me no matter what.

I been reading this one book for a while, there is so much in it and it really touches home on things in my life and my life with God. I am sure i will add some stuff from it on here as i work through it from chapter to chapter. It is called Living waters.